Sunday, 24 April 2016

You Know It's Gonna Get Better...

You Know It's Gonna Get Better...

So I've been gone for a while. At the beginning of this year I decided to make this blog more about mental health and positivity as it's a big part of my life. I did quite well to start off with but then things got kind of bad for me and pretty much everything including blogging came to a stand still. However despite the fact I can barely do anything without my dad; last October in a moment of utter madness I booked tickets to see 5 Seconds Of Summer in Birmingham. Kind of insane considering I still get anxious about going to the cinema but I just went for it.

The show was on the Thursday 14th and I was the most anxious I'd been in 18 months or so. I live in Derbyshire so my dad was taking me to my sisters in Coventry. I packed nearly everything I owned; I couldn't think or remember anything, when I forgot something I cried and I was desperately trying to convince myself I wouldn't mind if I didn't go. But I kept going, although I'm not sure how. 

At my sisters I didn't want to get out of the car, I didn't want to take my things up to her flat and I didn't want my Dad to leave.

Setting off for the concert was awful; I couldn't actually believe it was happening. I'd been convincing myself for the last 6 months that it was ages away and I didn't need to worry about it yet and then it was time. We got stuck in horrible traffic which actually really calmed me down because for a while it seemed like we weren't even going to get there. 

It was when we walked into the concert that it hit me. We got to the entrance and I freaked out. It was so loud. There were so many people. People who had got in there no problem. People who were excited. People who felt like dancing. People who were with friends. People years younger than me that didn't have freaking anxiety.  

An absolutely wonderful security lady came to see if we were okay and after my sister explained, she ignored our seat numbers, took us up a ramp, and gave us two seats right on the corner of a section where I could get out super easy. The band had already started but that was okay because it meant nobody could hear me crying.

My sister was amazing. She helped the whole time. She was always hugging me or holding my hand. And I'm very grateful for her reading my quantum physics book to me when I was panicking and couldn't breathe. "wave particle  duality; how Sorcha can be both in a concert and outside of it all at the same time" ;)

Thing is when I was about 14/15, my friend and I were massive fans of Green Day and MCR etc. But then she left school and being the only weird kid into rock music gave the not so nice people more things to pick on. I learnt to blend in; I listened to, wore and acted the exact way they wanted me to. And that was where a lot of my problems started.

Then one day, last year,  I was listening to the radio and this 5 seconds of summer song came on. I went to Spotify  realised they were pretty good and started to dig around. Spotify recommended Blink 182, Green Day and MCR. I found “famous last words” and remembered how much I loved that band. I went into the back of my cupboards and found old t shirts, posters and CDs. I missed that stuff. I put on my MCR shirt and a pair of boots, my mum had bought me in an attempt to make me blend in with the walls less. And there I was.

I started looking into the band more and found out about the new broken scene. And there were four people, my age, who maybe wouldn’t think I was a complete freak. Hell! One of them even admitted to taking time off for their mental health. And over the last two years I’ve basically learnt never to admit to that.

I decided that I wanted to see them live (or at least attempt to). I wasn't going to bother at first but then I started thinking. It seemed like such a normal fun thing to do. I wanted to go because that music had made me feel stronger. Because to me that music meant being okay again. It meant maybe one day I’ll have friends again. Maybe one day I can do something fun again. Hell! Maybe one day I'll see this band and not be crying and shaking. 
And after that getting tickets really mattered.

I got the tickets and then I panicked. What the hell did I just do? I can’t handle it and I’m not nearly ready for it.

But then I thought about how on that day, that started with me coming across a song and ended with me digging out all my old junk; that I actually started to feel more like me. Or at least like a new me, that I wanted to be and that I created and that was all mine.

So at the concert whenever I got stressed I did all the special techniques I've learnt to stay calm. When that didn't work, I just blocked out everyone else and listened. Some of the songs made me cry and a couple made me sad and anxious but most of them just made me feel like maybe I'd get through all this anxiety nastiness.

For all I know the band are the biggest bunch of ass holes out there but they helped. They helped me more than some friends who I'd known for years had even tried to and they didn't even know I was there. But I'm glad I was there to support them, to say thank you and to prove to myself that I can be strong.

I felt so weird after. I wasn't happy or sad. I could barely believe I'd done it. I kept expecting to wake up because it felt so unbelievably strange to be there. Part of me still can't figure out if it was real or not. Although the t shirt would suggest it was. I wish it hadn't ended, so that I could go on being in that place where I wasn't failing and listening to something that made me feel strong.

I've been trying to write about this for weeks but I couldn't get my head straight even slightly. Ans it's not that I have my head straight now but it's that I did it and I thought maybe there was someone out there who might one day read this and know that they can do something that means a lot to them too.

I'm sorry for the essay of word vomit but I just wanted to write it down. Either to help encourage someone else or to help me make sense of it. 

If you made it this far thank you very much for sticking with me and  if you have any comments I'd love to hear them.

Thanks for reading. Lots of love

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