Sunday, 24 April 2016

You Know It's Gonna Get Better...

You Know It's Gonna Get Better...

So I've been gone for a while. At the beginning of this year I decided to make this blog more about mental health and positivity as it's a big part of my life. I did quite well to start off with but then things got kind of bad for me and pretty much everything including blogging came to a stand still. However despite the fact I can barely do anything without my dad; last October in a moment of utter madness I booked tickets to see 5 Seconds Of Summer in Birmingham. Kind of insane considering I still get anxious about going to the cinema but I just went for it. 

The show was on the Thursday 14th and I was the most anxious I'd been in 18 months or so. I live in Derbyshire so my dad was taking me to my sisters in Coventry. I packed nearly everything I owned; I couldn't think or remember anything, when I forgot something I cried and I was desperately trying to convince myself I wouldn't mind if I didn't go. But I kept going, although I'm not sure how. 

At my sisters I didn't want to get out of the car, I didn't want to take my things up to her flat and I didn't want my Dad to leave.

Setting off for the concert was awful; I couldn't actually believe it was happening. I'd been convincing myself for the last 6 months that it was ages away and I didn't need to worry about it yet and then it was time. We got stuck in horrible traffic which actually really calmed me down because for a while it seemed like we weren't even going to get there. 

It was when we walked into the concert that it hit me. We got to the entrance and I freaked out. It was so loud. There were so many people. People who had got in there no problem. People who were excited. People who felt like dancing. People who were with friends. People years younger than me that didn't have freaking anxiety.  

An absolutely wonderful security lady came to see if we were okay and after my sister explained, she ignored our seat numbers, took us up a ramp, and gave us two seats right on the corner of a section where I could get out super easy. The band had already started but that was okay because it meant nobody could hear me crying.

My sister was amazing. She helped the whole time. She was always hugging me or holding my hand. And I'm very grateful for her reading my quantum physics book to me when I was panicking and couldn't breathe. "wave particle  duality; how Sorcha can be both in a concert and outside of it all at the same time" ;)

Thing is when I was about 14/15, my friend and I were massive fans of Green Day and MCR etc. But then she left school and being the only weird kid into rock music gave the not so nice people more things to pick on. I learnt to blend in; I listened to, wore and acted the exact way they wanted me to. And that was where a lot of my problems started.

Then one day, last year,  I was listening to the radio and this 5 seconds of summer song came on. I went to Spotify  realised they were pretty good and started to dig around. Spotify recommended Blink 182, Green Day and MCR. I found “famous last words” and remembered how much I loved that band. I went into the back of my cupboards and found old t shirts, posters and CDs. I missed that stuff. I put on my MCR shirt and a pair of boots, my mum had bought me in an attempt to make me blend in with the walls less. And there I was.

I started looking into the band more and found out about the new broken scene. And there were four people, my age, who maybe wouldn’t think I was a complete freak. Hell! One of them even admitted to taking time off for their mental health. And over the last two years I’ve basically learnt never to admit to that.

I decided that I wanted to see them live (or at least attempt to). I wasn't going to bother at first but then I started thinking. It seemed like such a normal fun thing to do. I wanted to go because that music had made me feel stronger. Because to me that music meant being okay again. It meant maybe one day I’ll have friends again. Maybe one day I can do something fun again. Hell! Maybe one day I'll see this band and not be crying and shaking. 
And after that getting tickets really mattered.

I got the tickets and then I panicked. What the hell did I just do? I can’t handle it and I’m not nearly ready for it.

But then I thought about how on that day, that started with me coming across a song and ended with me digging out all my old junk; that I actually started to feel more like me. Or at least like a new me, that I wanted to be and that I created and that was all mine.

So at the concert whenever I got stressed I did all the special techniques I've learnt to stay calm. When that didn't work, I just blocked out everyone else and listened. Some of the songs made me cry and a couple made me sad and anxious but most of them just made me feel like maybe I'd get through all this anxiety nastiness.

For all I know the band are the biggest bunch of ass holes out there but they helped. They helped me more than some friends who I'd known for years had even tried to and they didn't even know I was there. But I'm glad I was there to support them, to say thank you and to prove to myself that I can be strong.

I felt so weird after. I wasn't happy or sad. I could barely believe I'd done it. I kept expecting to wake up because it felt so unbelievably strange to be there. Part of me still can't figure out if it was real or not. Although the t shirt would suggest it was. I wish it hadn't ended, so that I could go on being in that place where I wasn't failing and listening to something that made me feel strong.

I've been trying to write about this for weeks but I couldn't get my head straight even slightly. Ans it's not that I have my head straight now but it's that I did it and I thought maybe there was someone out there who might one day read this and know that they can do something that means a lot to them too.

I'm sorry for the essay of word vomit but I just wanted to write it down. Either to help encourage someone else or to help me make sense of it. 

If you made it this far thank you very much for sticking with me and  if you have any comments I'd love to hear them.

Thanks for reading. Lots of love

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

5 Things To Brighten Your Day #1

5 Things To Brighten Your Day #1

As you may have noticed, I have changed the focus of my blog. I'm interested in giving advice and sharing stories about mental health problems but also to spread positivity! 

Having a positive attitude can completely change anything from your day to your year. I definitely need to be more positive about pretty much everything because I've noticed that the days I feel upbeat I'm better at dealing with my anxieties.

Sometimes you just need one thing to make you smile to turn around a bad day. So here are five things to lift your spirits, even if it's just a little.

1. Personally I think everyone needs these adorable Chinchillas in their Instagram feed. I'd like to introduce you to MR Bagel and Bubu.

2. I've been dancing to this tune by Clean Bandit.

3. I'm sure lots of bloggers will relate to this video about being the person on the other side of the outfit shots.

4. This is an adorable baby panda who just wants to make friends. 

5. I discovered Cassandra Calin's AMAZING illustrations. This one in particular absolutely slayed me.

I hope you enjoyed this post! Which one is your favourite? Have you seen anything fun recently? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading.

Love Sorcha

Thursday, 21 January 2016

Upcoming Challenges (A.K.A Aaaggh!!)

Upcoming Challenges (A.K.A Aaaggh!!)


I'd like to start off by saying thank you for the amazing response I got on my last anxiety post. I'm so happy that people liked it and I hope I can continue the good work.
So here it is, my first personal post about anxiety!

In the upcoming weeks and months I have a few hurdles to get over which are very stressful for me. I will be talking about them more but I wanted to do this post so that people could see where I was at and what sorts of things pose problems for me.

Finding A New Job

This is stressful for everyone I know, but my anxieties make it even harder. I was really lucky with my last job they let me come back after I had to take time off and they've helped  me get over my anxieties. However my last job was in our local village shop so the people I worked for were neighbours and friends so they already knew me; Obviously when getting a bigger job, in one of the local towns, the people, the setting and the skills will all be new which for me is scarier than sky diving.

Going To Yoga And The Gym

For years I've struggled with going to classes or groups or doing things in social situations. At the moment I'm still pushing myself to just get out and walk and when I get hot or out of breathe it's easy for me to start panicking. I worry about classes as I don't like situations where I can't leave without it seeming strange or rude. But I'd really like to get fit for my health and appearance but also for my confidence. Plus gazillions of people recommend getting fit to help with anxiety.

Working On My Food Issues

Food is something that has caused me a lot of stress and it's been going on for as long as I can remember so it's a pretty big issue to deal with. However I would really like to eat better, not only will it help with my skin and general health but it will make eating out or going on holiday less stressful and easier to do in the future.

Staying With My Sister And 5SOS Concert

So a while back, in what was quite possibly a moment of madness I bought two 5 Seconds Of Summer tickets. I asked my sister if she would go with me and as she lives near Birmingham so she very kindly invited me to stay at her house and go shopping the next day.

 So I'm anxious about staying with my sister because I'll be away from home where I have tons of things to help with freak outs and even though my sister is great with helping me I'm more used to my mum. The concert itself will have a lot people, there will be big crowds and the fact that I've spent money on it adds just a little bit of pressure to not waste it. Now public places are difficult for me; I worry about getting sick, freaking out or crying in public. But I've been to Birmingham shopping before so I'm prepared for that bit.

Taking My Driving Tests

Last time I took a test/exam I was one of those people that did their exams on their own in a special room where the invigilator can't judge you if you cry the whole time. A driving test on the other hand is just you in a car, with a test guy, trying not to kill anyone. I'm anxious about this one for all the obvious reasons so if you've got any tips or advice I would LOVE to hear them

In later posts I will be looking at each of these individually and showing you how I work on things to become less anxious or get myself out there. I'll let you know how I do with each. 

I hope this hasn't been a depressing post. I want to show you guys as much of my journey as I can so this post was to give you an idea of how things are going at this point. At a later date, we'll all be able to look back and hopefully see how things can improve. If any of these things make you anxious, maybe we can help each other out and maybe some things I do will help you too.

Let me know what you think in the comments.

lots of love,

If you like my blog, please check out my Twitter and Insta.

Sunday, 17 January 2016

This Week # 16

This Week #16

Oh my god! I'm blogging!:P So it's been a while since I did regular posts on here, but I'm getting back into it. I've discovered that I'm much better at organising my blogging than I am at actually blogging. Procrastinating much!

1. Last Saturday I went to my friends 18th birthday movie night. I was quite anxious as parties are kind of  challenge for me but it was actually really fun.

2. I had my last regular shift at work :( They had to change manager and now they don't need me so I'm avoiding all internet shopping sites.

3. I had a driving lesson; In which I think I actually did some proper driving without my instructor telling me what to do!

4. I uploaded quite a scary blog post when I relaunched my blog. AND people actually liked it, I never expected the response I got so thank you if you're one of the lovely people who commented. (I even took a friggin' selfie for the post)

5. IT SNOWED! Which means 1 of 2 things; either I'm very happy because it's so pretty and I'm inside or I hate it as I'm in public and there's a 99% chance that I'll fall over.

6. I momentarily forgot about my money problems and went shopping. I blame Asos!

7. I discovered the wonder that is Pinterest! And the way you can enter any piece of clothing and find all sorts of ways to style it!

What did you get up to this week? Anything fun?  Let me know in the comments.

I hope you enjoyed this post and thanks for reading.

Love Sorcha 

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Big, Scary and Personal | A New Blog

Big, Scary and Personal | A New Blog

It’s been a while since I last posted on here. A few months ago I spoke about how I struggle with anxiety and would like to speak about it more on my blog. However, instead of just talking about it more I have decided to take my blog in a whole new direction and it's big, scary and personal.

I am officially becoming a mental health and positivity blog.

There are a lot of bloggers out there who talk about their anxieties and mental health problems and that’s great. It honestly truly is but here’s the thing; Personally I always feel like these people are so much further along than me. I’m still at a stage where I’m mostly at home, I don’t go out or see that many friends. Just to think about getting a bigger job stresses me out, public places are generally a bit of challenge and to be perfectly honest humans terrify me. I'm working on it.

So while I love that bloggers talk about anxiety and I’m aware that they have horrible days where their anxiety gets the better of them; I've still always felt like I'm on my own.

Hopes And Dreams

I intend for most things on my blog to be positive as I know from experience that being positive is a big help. Obviously, not all my experiences will be positive but I hope to share these too, as I think it's important for people to see that bad days are part of life. I want to write a blog not only for people with anxiety but for those of us that aren't very confident, are maybe struggling with growing up or who just need a safe place to retreat to. I want to stand up for and help anyone who has similar problems to me. I hope to create a positive environment where you can find advice, comfort or safety. Not to sound too dramatic or ambitious but I want to help more people understand their own or others mental heath problems.

My Plan

1. I intend to be to be as honest as I can about my own problems so that you can see why i'm doing this but also so that you can trust that any advice comes from someone who understands. Obviously, sometimes things won't go to plan for me and there will be a few things I'm not comfortable sharing.

2. In the case of anxiety, I will give advice on how to deal with it whether it's you or someone you know.

3. I will write posts on looking after yourself, being positive and staying motivated.

4. One day I hope to start vlogging (if I ever feel confident enough) and if this blog gains enough readers I would like to start a forum or website so that everyone can share their advice and help with each other.

5. I will continue to do lifestyle posts (I love 'em after all) but each one will have a positive twist.

So what do you think? Crazy idea or kinda cool? As this is something so important to me I'd really like it to succeed but I'm not sure if this is something people need or would like to read about. I hope my blog will become a positive place that helps people and that they enjoy but I'd also like it to help with my own confidence and positivity.

Got any thoughts, tips or ideas. Please let me know what you think in the comments.

lots of love,